Insecurities and Self Conflict

I dont know what is going in my life. Feel like isolating myself from the rest of the world, tracing a lonely path away from this crowded place. What I am right now...what is my identity.just lost in the flow..with no stint of myself. Everytime I go for lunch, get out of the bus, go to the market...a huge mass of people mesmerizes me. I feel I am no one, just a drop of the ocean...least countable. My existence hardly affects anyone..all are just said and dones over here. No one accountable in true sense. This is a tremendous feeling of insecurity when you feel you aren't bound to anyone, no one is having any control on you, neither are you having any hold on anything in particular. No strings attached perhaps....



This period of life is the worst- when nothing much concrete is happening, life is on hold waiting for something to happen...not even sure it will happen or not; and then you have to unnecessarily answer thousand people for nothing. You don't owe anything to them, and most of them are not even your well-wishers. But just that you have to answer. God knows for what. I think sometimes, how better the world would be if everyone starts minding their own business. People are least interested in watching out what is happening in their own lives than intriguing in someone else's. Whom do we live for..for ourselves ..or for the society? What are our obligations to the crowd around us. Most of the the things, many of us do are for just the society's sake..Most of us fear..what people will say..How the hell does it matter?..I debate. Who comes at your rescue in your predicaments, your failures...then why should we be so answerable, so responsible to them..huhh...this has eaten lot a brain out of me.

Its even worse when even the near and dear ones fail to interprete you, and you have nothing to explain your situation to them. they want to get rid of their responsibilities, pretend everything is going far and fine..when nothing is actually so..just for the public display."Every day cannot be a Sunday"..they need to understand. Nowadays, I have just left convincing anyone about myself, my deeds. Let them think the hell of me..who cares? I am definitely not answerable, obligeable to anyone..except for me..myself..my conscience. and as long as it tells me that I am doing the right, the comments just remain passers in my way..You notice and leave, or else don't notice..the better. Its not that I am not open to criticism, not able to defend myself. But I am really tired being able to stand for each and every action of mine..when each one demands an explaination. Be quiet, stay calm..introspect and let go. Thats the mantra of the day. Its hard to sustain in this world otherwise. I believe.

You meet so many people around, spend time with them..only to know that this is going no where...you are just losing out a part of yourself, your life to take things to the mire. You know each one out there is having some purpose, there is just going to be another give and take. Being accepted as you are would be perhaps another nightmare, you need to be flexible, to mould hundred times, all for things that you consider least worthy, all for people who least mean to you. There is always a conflict between the theory and reality.


Tujhse naraz nahi zindagi hairan hun main hooo hairan hun main
tere masoom sawalon se pareshan hun main pareshan hun main
jeene ke liye socha hi nahi dard sambhalne honge
muskuraye to muskurane ke karj utarne honge
muskuraon kabhi to lagta hai,jaise hoton pe karj rakha hai
tujhse naraaz nahin……
aaj agar bhar aayi hai boonden baras jaayengi
kal kya pata inke liye, ankhe taras jaayengi
jaane kab gum hua kaha khoya ek aasun chupa ke rakha tha

But again its me..and again I decide to hold..to hold on..have patience with myself, and my surroundings.


Life gives answers in three ways:
It says yes and gives what you want;
It says no and gives you something better;
It says wait and gives you the best.