Untouched.........

I felt the urge strongly to put this down. I like the silence in the mess when no one is around. I had gone early...wanted to enjoy my cup of tea...looking outside the window..with the trickles of drops...all the afternoon..I could the watch the rain from the library windows..it hadnt stopped all the afternoon.and seemed like it wont...I decided to get drenched all the way to the canteen...it wasn't far after all.
Silence is solace. It helps you to introspect so much. Staying away from the hustle and bustle of the city, it is a bliss in way. Though at times we curse for it..But being in the company of nature is truly a bliss. When I get up in the morning a cloudy sky awaits me...The farms around..the greenery calls me to strode in it...when I start for my walk, I feel the earth is ready to put on her show..a beautiful sight of the narrow main road over the horizon, Panchubhai getting ready for the day...his tea shop on both the sides..The security watchman greeting me..the maids sweeping the garden. Life hadn't asked for more.

The drops had something to say. They were telling something from yesterday..I was listening ..I was interpreting...something which my mind was constantly hinting at..Its amazing actually. Whatever you have to say, you feel, why the nature has to reciprocate the same feelings ..why you start interpreting in your own convenient ways...you take it for granted...all things happening around are happening for you..reflecting your mental state. I have to write an exam tomorrow..still I am writing this ...its been so strong..

Why did I say what I said ...and I am not at all sorry for that. I do not regret. Why had I to be so harsh to him ? Was it the subject itself..or was it the background that I carried days before..I had been possesive. Why relations make you so possesive ? I am trying to reason out. Why are relations so complex? What does a mere touch hold...a soothing touch ..a friendly touch...an ecstatic touch...and untouched !!! Should I be so possesive....And even if I shouldn't be, then even this thought is not satisfying.
I kept thinking even after talking to my closet friend. She convinced me for the moment and then even then I rolled back on the same issues. Why had I held back myself so long..why had I all this principles in the world? Why should I remain so abstained? Does that really count? Really matter? I know only belief matters..but does that mean just you say and that's over. How do you keep integrity?



Is it like the drops of water falling over the ground..so pristine ...so pure ..untouched...then losing its existence to the pond, losing its individuality and becomes one with it. Doesn't that count in a relation? Don't we have to have any protocols..I wish to be like the drops of water pristine and pure..untouched...and now at least if I expect the same from him..is it wrong? Why did I mix my emoitons...wanted to blurt out something else and it ended up in something else.

Diverse backgrounds..diverse values..long distance relationships...parenal pressures..how long am I stand this...why is life like this...I have stopped feeling bad and good about anything..nothing makes a difference now. Stopped feeling strongly about anything. I don't even know if what I did ..did it right? Or then had I any other option.

Why does life has to hold so many questions all at one moment? And why have you to just keep the faith going? With no foundations..imaginary bonds..all in the air.
Insecurity always remains...what if that bond gets broken...who has seen tomorrow ?


Any answers???