Projections and Relations

Why should others see me as they want to see...?
Why should I see myself in others...??
Why should people like and hate each other..???

All such questions do have an answer. The answer is projections. It was this point on which we lost our grades in the OB presentation. We gave all but this reason. OB presentation ..it is a different story to write about. We would have actually prepard a case on it...but just left the idea , just not to personalize things.

Sometimes I think why don't I write immediately after I feel. Yes..I should do that. Writing requires a lot of spontaneity. Getting the same mood to write about an incident is so difficult. Time passes, and so do emotions. And when you don't have enough emotions, the write-up turns out to be a blunt knife.

Day before yesterday, night actually. I felt so down, humiliated. Had a marketing case to do. I just sat mechanically throughout the entire discussion. Felt like telling my friend, to please excuse me that day. But I decided to hold on myself. Everyone has emotions, and you need to keep control on them. Venting out should be done at the right time, right place and in front of right person. So I came back to my room around 12.30 am. I banged and shut the door. Thank God my roomie was not there. Sometimes I believe God understands my need to be alone !! I put on the radio. It has been a coincidence for me or anything else you might call it as. But the radio plays the exact song , when I am in such troubled waters. ..Tadap tadap ke is dil se aah nikalti rahi..mujhko saja di pyar ki aisa kya gunha kiye..ki loot gaye........I changed..and I cried loudly, just like a kid. I washed my face, arranged the wardrobe, finished with my crunches, all with tears, hot and salty, and threw myself into bed. It had been months since I cried. The night before too, I had come after a hot discussion with him, it too had ended on such a serious note, and I felt good that I had finally gotten rid of what had happened. I just wanted him to know..know actually what the scene was..

Next morning he had surrendered. Wished me luck for exam and I thoguht the matter would end, we would talk something better over the the eve and be ready for an exhausting week ahead. But that was not destined to happen. Till the last minute things seemed pretty OK, but in the end we had flints. He said, "If you cant do even such a little thing for me, its ok, its end of topic then". Time and again , I had been convincing him , I would do but he cant force me into something I was never. The conversation again got heated up, I talked rude, and left...left only to be felt humilitated, insulted. I never had thought ever in my life , I would have to undergo this. All my life I had strived to preserve my sanctity, my space and my virtues. But I understood, now its just not being what I like, I do..but its being together..
At some points I do feel, its very natural of him to feel that way, to expect things from me, but then why was I hesitating...not to acknowledge the fact, but to commit..to commit for improvement. There was a certain flip side to the story as well.

What if I was not this..what if I was not that??? Can't you like somebody just like that? For no reason. Is there any need to have common thoughts, common goals, common physiques for people to bond togther. We can differ, right?? But no!! The society doesnt allow that. Everyone has a opinion for any damn thing you do in life. I do respect the foresaken rules of the society, and that if you need to live in society, you need to adapt by its principles and procedures. But why then life should become so cumbersome, if the societal rules were fair enough to everyone. If I am not expecting anyone to change, if I am accepting things as they are, then why can't people behave in the same manner towards me?? Why is it that only the fairer sex has to blend- for better or worse?? Why can't we be more assertive ?? I did that..I tried to be..but over the course I realized that I am losing on the relationship. And when you value the relation more than your principles, the objectivity and rationality gets clouded. I cried that day, only to prove this fact.

And look what I am doing now..I am striving to satisfy peoples' projections. To look as they want me to...to behave as they wish me too...Over the journey, I have realized that its a waste of time, striving hard to make others realize what you are and what you are not, to prove to othere your worth. Who are they to judge and who are they to decide?? everythingis a matter of relativity. Everything is relative to the place, people around, relative to time. Its just about being in the right place, at the time, and with the right people..everything else is nuts !! Hard for me to implement...yeasterday we patched up, of course he taking the initiative, and again I value my relation more ...

I advise though, in any relation , its imperative to find if you are liked as you are, or the projection you are displaying to continue the relation...
For the time being, I submit myself to the second option, but beware not always...



Just the beginning of the topic...!!!