Insecurities and Self Conflict

I dont know what is going in my life. Feel like isolating myself from the rest of the world, tracing a lonely path away from this crowded place. What I am right now...what is my identity.just lost in the flow..with no stint of myself. Everytime I go for lunch, get out of the bus, go to the market...a huge mass of people mesmerizes me. I feel I am no one, just a drop of the ocean...least countable. My existence hardly affects anyone..all are just said and dones over here. No one accountable in true sense. This is a tremendous feeling of insecurity when you feel you aren't bound to anyone, no one is having any control on you, neither are you having any hold on anything in particular. No strings attached perhaps....



This period of life is the worst- when nothing much concrete is happening, life is on hold waiting for something to happen...not even sure it will happen or not; and then you have to unnecessarily answer thousand people for nothing. You don't owe anything to them, and most of them are not even your well-wishers. But just that you have to answer. God knows for what. I think sometimes, how better the world would be if everyone starts minding their own business. People are least interested in watching out what is happening in their own lives than intriguing in someone else's. Whom do we live for..for ourselves ..or for the society? What are our obligations to the crowd around us. Most of the the things, many of us do are for just the society's sake..Most of us fear..what people will say..How the hell does it matter?..I debate. Who comes at your rescue in your predicaments, your failures...then why should we be so answerable, so responsible to them..huhh...this has eaten lot a brain out of me.

Its even worse when even the near and dear ones fail to interprete you, and you have nothing to explain your situation to them. they want to get rid of their responsibilities, pretend everything is going far and fine..when nothing is actually so..just for the public display."Every day cannot be a Sunday"..they need to understand. Nowadays, I have just left convincing anyone about myself, my deeds. Let them think the hell of me..who cares? I am definitely not answerable, obligeable to anyone..except for me..myself..my conscience. and as long as it tells me that I am doing the right, the comments just remain passers in my way..You notice and leave, or else don't notice..the better. Its not that I am not open to criticism, not able to defend myself. But I am really tired being able to stand for each and every action of mine..when each one demands an explaination. Be quiet, stay calm..introspect and let go. Thats the mantra of the day. Its hard to sustain in this world otherwise. I believe.

You meet so many people around, spend time with them..only to know that this is going no where...you are just losing out a part of yourself, your life to take things to the mire. You know each one out there is having some purpose, there is just going to be another give and take. Being accepted as you are would be perhaps another nightmare, you need to be flexible, to mould hundred times, all for things that you consider least worthy, all for people who least mean to you. There is always a conflict between the theory and reality.


Tujhse naraz nahi zindagi hairan hun main hooo hairan hun main
tere masoom sawalon se pareshan hun main pareshan hun main
jeene ke liye socha hi nahi dard sambhalne honge
muskuraye to muskurane ke karj utarne honge
muskuraon kabhi to lagta hai,jaise hoton pe karj rakha hai
tujhse naraaz nahin……
aaj agar bhar aayi hai boonden baras jaayengi
kal kya pata inke liye, ankhe taras jaayengi
jaane kab gum hua kaha khoya ek aasun chupa ke rakha tha

But again its me..and again I decide to hold..to hold on..have patience with myself, and my surroundings.


Life gives answers in three ways:
It says yes and gives what you want;
It says no and gives you something better;
It says wait and gives you the best.

Down the memory lane...

I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.
On 28th Feb, I went back to get reco from my previous manager, you require to do all these crap formalities more than study, in the management admission process. Donno why! Whenever I go in that account, donno what happens, the place seems so familiar, so homely. Called Prasad to open the door. A flow of memories started ..down the line. Had nice chat with one of the juniors, and Divya. As usual with her marital problems, PG plans, and some light on current life.But we talked for long..Prasad interrupted finally..to let him also getr included in the discussion.."What is going on- cat,dog, rat?..what"...hahaha...then I took the prints..while the manager had arrived...He asked if the stuff was enough..It was more than..actually! Then I took his authorised signatory on the papers..and commended his signature. There it started...I guess I have an art of making poeple speak..talk their heart out...

I just happened to tell him that management is not my final aim, what I wanna achieve is something very different. I sometimes wonder how come I am letting all this out to my seniors, with no fear whatsoever. I did ..still! I told him I wanna go for civil services, work for my country. Whatever I saw in software is that we are no less than slaves, just the modern version of those ancient ancestors. We are not working for our country, our poeple..thats what bothers me. we have to adjust to their timings, their holidays, their schedules. Why? Because they are paying us..Is that a reason enough for us to get gruelled like this..and that too with no job satisfaction whatever. More than three quarters of the poeple in IT have no job satisfaction..I bet! Still we are just dragging...only for those idiot pounds and dollars...where are we going..! Leabve tis topic..I am again divulging!!! The point here to tell was that I talked all this to him. He agreed. Actually he was so impressed when I told him of civil services. He told that I was treading an utterly wrong path then."Your dreams are big..!" He remarked! Why not!! "Dreams are important; dreams work. Dreams and Thoughts ignite minds, Ignite the mind and you can ignite the entire world!"..(not me)..APJ!! We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams. Future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams!

Then he told his entire history. How passionate he had been, while telling all this..I never knew he was such a learned person. We tend judge poeple by their outward appearance..as book by its cover, but never know that even this could lie beneath. Out he came with all knowledge, experiences of his past, his vacant years and what he thought and what was on the cards. But then we concluded that nothing went waste..and he will always have an edge over the others, than he knows somethings perhaps more than many others there...He coaxed to go and buy the NCERT books that day itself, make best use of my time in freepool, and devote to the dream fully. Also offered me to help as much as possible. People around started wondering what had engaged us for so long...it was the common aim...the common longing perhaps..which he wished to fulfill through me perhaps. He was actually sponsoring some guys back his hometown..that sounded so reasonable; I deciphered the worth that man carried, all this time when we took him so casually. Some people though they show casual, they aren't. That's what I learnt that day.

Out I came, Prasad came to talk with me. I practically take full control of his machine when I go there. Divya noticed that. But only to certain people you can be so near, so demanding, when the formalities in the relations vanish and you no longer care what he/she will think. Then you know you are very close..be it any relationship..I find him closer than my siblings..Tete-a-tete with him is always a fun! He showed me about his onsite, plans, 'search'...felt nice for him...Its being so nice to talk to the entire team..and especially when someone remembers you as a person..What else we have to achieve in life. People should remember you as a good human being is what counts..else everything is fake..I feel.
Even the DM wished me for the interview, I was surprised how she knew about it. Earlier I had thought she was saying it out of contempt, but when she turned bak and wished, I knew, she didn't mean that.


"There is so much life out here when you come"..my mgr had said...when I had being their for the Sankranti. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. It was a compliment..but more than that..its my pot of reminences..something beyond words, emotions..hard to describe..like a haunting catch..which traps you wherever you go...The record which winds and unwinds all past moments, I basked in!! When This is not making any sense ..I know..But to me it does..and its not the first time that I am getting this..Everytime I thank those indulged in making my life beautiful, in enriching me as a person, with all the unique experiences. A corner of the eye always turns to left side, and I display my longing for my seat out there..though the eyeballs stretch a little lefter still, only to notice that haunting corner, that side view with a deep face, eyes in the screen, hands playing drum on the desk and feet tapping!! Who knows!!

We can't go to the past and revisit it..So they made things, objects we could cherish, memory whick we can rewind an trod back to those lost moments in our dreams...if not reality..at least no one can snatch that joy..dreams are ours, solely.That is a different world when I go in trance, a virtual one; in which only I exist, and my dreams!! Interview was pretty ok..I was satisfied somehow ..lets see what is on the plate! I went searching my dream place, the one for which I lost my cell few days back...It was a village, off the city..so far,and that too in some unknown state, different language, so difficult to find out. All the way, I was walking ..sometime asking myself why am I doing all this..does this matter to my life? Will this turn out to be any reality...I didn't know the answer. The brain failed, still the feet knew they should do the job, they kept walking. I was in an unrelated, unknown world..anonymous identity. And I don't expect anything from this episode. By now I have become strong to hold all this. Nothing can break me now on. And believe me I never wetted pillows during this..amazing, I thought..that was really a growth. Life teaches you..so do experiences..

Ke Jab Ki Mujhko Bhi Ye Khabar Hai
Ke Tum Nahi Ho, Kahin Nahi Ho
Magar Ye Dil Hai Ke Keh Raha Hai
Ke Tum Yahi Ho, Yahin Kahin Ho

But why this haunting again...that I felt today. The "aboli" dress person...I can't see anyone in that except him. Also something around happens..related...I feel he is around..and my eyes waver...I seek him aound; though knowing he is not here, nowhere!
Also the other day, during the picnic on Sunday, off KP road, and then near the Kaveri banks, when a gang happened to play the "guitar" in those waters..when Som and me wondered, it would be the most fab thing to do on an outing, never thought of!! Then on, I could see no one except him...that's his sole propriety I feel, and I can't see anyone that way ..all through I thought the same.

Na jaane kyon, hota hai yeh zindagi ke saath
achanak ye man
kisi ke jaane ke baad, kare phir usiki yaad
chhoti chhoti si baat, na jaane kyon

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
-Kevin Arnold